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on October 5, 2012

Hi all,

Well I hit a wall.  I dug myself into a hole.  And anytime you are in a bad place, you either sink lower or dig yourself out.  I had been sinking for a while.  It didn’t feel too good.  In fact, I was feeling numb and everything was tasteless and monotonous.  There was no joy in  my life and yes at times, I didn’t feel I wanted to go on living.  I was depressed.  I didn’t want to live this way.  I knew something needed to be done…..lots needed to be addressed.  But when you’re depressed, it’s hard to see in the dark.  It’s hard to find your way.  So what to do?

Well looking back now that I’m just climbing out of the hole, I realize that my “higher power” was leaving clues, leaving breadcrumbs to aid me in my ascent from this quicksand that I was sinking in.  I met a new friend who would help me find a support group, this led to gaining clarity on my unhealthy addictions and sabotaging behaviors.  Another breadcrumb was dropped in my lap that shattered my resilience completely and I knew that I had hit the lowest low.  My whole world was shaken up and I had to find a way out completely.

Now I want to make myself clear, I am not a drug user or an alcoholic.  I am not a bulimic, anorexic, exercise-aholic, etc.  I don’t have any diseases or addictions that are considered classic addiction illnesses.  What I am was depressed.  Depressed, lonely and desperate.  I was not honoring my “higher power” of myself.  I wasn’t being true to myself.  And these feelings of depression, loneliness, desperation just feed negative thoughts into your body and mind and take control of yourself until all you have left is a rapid heartbeat and an empty body with no soul.  This is not how I wanted my life to be.

Things had to change, and little by little I started to put one foot in front of another and followed more breadcrumbs.  One interesting thing that happened during this time was I fell down hiking and hurt my knee.  This was considered bad at this time because it would stop me exercising for a while until it healed.  That was not good since exercising is something I do every day and love it.  Then I saw my doctor and we discussed me switching birth control pills or going off of them.  I wanted to go off of them but I was afraid of my body going into shock while I was depressed already.  What if I needed to go on anti-depressants?    Well since I couldn’t exercise and I wanted to wean my body off of the pill, and since I needed a new chance at life, I decided to do a 3 week cleanse called the Ultimate Reset.  This is a Beachbody product that was developed to rid the body of toxins that have accumulated in the body over years and years of bad food and environmental toxins.  I know a lot of people who have been on it and it helps to increase energy, improve mood and mental clarity, remove harmful toxins and lower bad cholesterol.  This is just what I needed….a new chance at, well, living!

Also what I was slowly starting to understand during all of this was my “higher power.”  Some people call it a God.  But the way I started to connect with my faith was to consider what I was doing or not doing to support the “higher power” of myself.  I certainly was not aiding that in a lot of ways.  Some people don’t support their higher power by not taking care of their physical self.  I wasn’t supporting my higher power by not taking care of my emotional self.  I was a complete mess.

So what I decided to do during the reset was remove some things that were causing me distraction and drama and add back only good things that would support my higher power.  I would do the reset to get my body back to a good place, I would read and journal my thoughts and just get back to giving to myself and the simple things in life.  Most of all, I wanted to connect to my higher power in any way…physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually.

I will be starting the reset in about a week.  Please tune in as I blog my journey.

Beachbody Ultimate Reset™



One response to “Re-set

  1. Melissa says:

    Hi sweetie. I am sorry that you have been going through all these struggles. My hope and prayer for you is to find balance and happiness in everything you do. I have been through depression too and know how hard it is to come out on the other side. Just be true to yourself and love you above all. I’m here for you.

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